the abe froman report

We did it! We won!  Winter is officially over!  Spring is here. Well, the 10 minutes of spring we actually get in Chicago is here.  Everyone is gearing up for the excellent summer ahead of us, and with that, I would like to declear this as The Summer of 12.

What is this Summer of 12 I speak of?  Good question.  With the stress of work, relationships, family, money  etc. we long for a simpler time.  A time where we would ride our bikes to our friends house to see if they could come out and play.  A time when you had no worries at all and the world was your oyster.  I’m talking about being 12 years old.  God it was so fucking rad being 12 so damnit, I’ve decided to bring it back this summer and I invite you to join in.

Since I hear people like lists, I decided to make a list of 12 fun Summer of 12 activities to do.

1.  Unplug and go analog.  We didn’t have the internet and blackberrys back in the day and we survived. Take one day a week and just completley disconnet from your email and the internet and go social networking the old school way.

2. Drink Slurpees. Why? Becasue they fucking rock.  Extra points for making and drinking a whole suicide (mixing all the flavors together). Super double bonus points for throwing some vodka in that bad boy.

3. Water balloon fights are a lost art. With only $3 in supplies you could argueably make one of the most memorable days this summer by pelting your friends in the head with a little H2O filled projectile.

4. BMX biking.  Its making a comeback and you could get one crazy cheap on Craigslist or at Working Bikes.  Nothing woos the ladies like saying “Hey baby, want to go for a ride on my pegs”.

5. Take a fieldtrip.  Getting me to leave my own neighborhood is like trying to get a young starlet to put on a pair of panties.  It happens, but its rare.  Chicago and its surrounding areas have ton’s of tubular things to do on a nice day that are out of the norm.  There is a carnival EVERY weekend and the Brookfield Zoo worth it just to get those cool wax statues. Kiddie Land, my favorite ghetto amusement park is right across the street from Maywood Park Racetrack.  Go ride the Big Dipper then bet on the ponies.

6. Get some good grass stains on yourself.  With the abundance of city parks, go out and run around. Bust out the Jarts or just go play catch (but not with the Jarts).

7.  Making out rocks.  Granted, you could go to Estelles or any of the other 4 am bars and pick up that special someone reaking of Old Style on their fourth shot of Jameson and spend the wee parts of the moring give them a good rodgerin, but giving your word to stop at first is OG.  And you don’t have to feel obligated to go out for brunch with a complete stranger the next morning.

8. Bring back old school words.  I am very well aware that I talk funny, and I’m fine with that.  People need to update their lexicons with such classics as; word, dope, tubular, rad, sick, sickel p, duhhh, hype, stellar, chronic, killer, or anything over heard while watching Ninja Turtles or listening to Dr. Dre’s The Chronic.

9. Eat a fucking Happy Meal.  So what its not organic, soy, free range, or probably even made from cow.  It comes in a cool box with maps drawn on it and a toy that I could potentially choke on. That’s a good enough selling point for me.

10. Slow dance to shitty music.  I touched my first ass slow dancing to Endless Love and I will never forget that as long as I live. Sure shorty could pop lock and drop but the DJ needs to bring back some couples dance. If he doesn’t, just play the Bengles Eternal Flame in your living room and see where that takes you.

11. Ladies, please please please bring back Lipsmackers Lip Gloss.  This goes great with #7 on the list and like Lil Momma said “it be popin”. I strongly endorse Dr. Pepper and Watermellon flavors.

12. Not feeling like going out on the weekends?  Screw it, have a little pajama jammy jam at your place.  Shit, you pay your own rent, might as well make it co-ed.  Grab some scary movies, a ouija board, Top 100 NBA Slam Dunks on 1989 VHS tape or what ever tickles your fancy.  The more the marrier and when was the last time you broke out your Gremlins sleeping bag.

BRB Ill be writing soon

Name: Jesse Hora A.K.A www.jessehora.com

Agency/Position: Tangible Worldwide, Illustrator

Favorite font: “Fuck em. I’ll draw my own.”

Why is he the HAISOTW?:
Jesse is one of the sickest illustrators in the game you may have not heard of yet. He’s done work for the likes of Adidas Originals, Mountain Dew and Sims Snowboards.

This kid may be the best thing to come out of west Michigan since Iggy Pop. Check out his site and drop him a line.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. The narwhal beat out both koala and penguin in The Abe Froman Report’s first ever readers poll. I personally think it was an unfair match up due to the narwhal’s giant horn, but whatev, koalas and penguins are so thug they’ll take on any challenger, even if it means getting impaled.

After coming home from a long Sunday afternoon with my family, it was obvious what I needed to do. Have a drink. Or have 8 drinks.

Much to my surprise, I walked into my spacious, one bedroom basement apartment, to find my neighbor laying on my couch sipping on none other then a cool refreshing tall boy of Colt 45
Malt Liquor. Being the man of discriminating tastes that I am, I proceeded to crack into a can. And I must say… not fucking bad. Not fucking good, but still not bad.

Skip to Monday morning. I settle into my desk and proceed to read my regular morning advertising publications and websites, when low and behold, something on Advertising Age struck my fancy. It was Jeremy Mullman’s article Challenge: Make Malt Liquor Good on Paper. This made me think. Was this a sign from the Malt Liquor God looking down upon me?

Over the past few years, I’ve noticed a push for malt liquor and malt liquor based beverages around the hipster neighborhood that I live in. It started as 40 oz’s of O.E. (if you don’t know what that is, click here) offered up as “bottle service” at trendy night spots. Then Sparks started popping up at music festivals like Intonation and at rooftop parties around Chicago.

Much like the re-branding of such “old man” beers as Pabst Blue Ribbon and Old Style, the hipster crowd seems to be on target to be the new brand ambassadors for a beverage that was previously stigmatized as “ghetto” or “the drink choice for 9 out of 10 homeless people”.

Colt 45’s website www.talesofcolt45.com is a far cry from the days of Billy Dee Williams and Fab Five Freddy hawking their magical brew (which for the record, were some of the most bad ass commercials back in the day). Hand drawn graffiti fonts, chill hip hop soundtrack, illustrations done by indie graphic novelist Jim Mahfood and user submitted stories thanks to a collaboration with Vice Magazine , make the website read like a user guide on how to throw a party; malt liquor style. And there’s nothing a hipster likes more then a good party.

Only time will tell if malt liquor’s advertising efforts will pay off and reach the crowd of mainstream consumers, but if trends tell me anything, malt liquor will find a home somewhere in-between trucker hats, Nike Dunks, and ironic t-shirts.

For those of you who follow the street wear/sneaker scene, you probably know that there are an insane amount of “wack ass” collaborations coming out every day. Every New York/LA/Tokyo x sneaker x tshirt x tampon collab has been done to death. Finally, Reebok has done something that peaked my interest.

Reebok has teamed up with Kool-Aid on flavorful line of kicks. Each pair represents a different Kool-Aid flavor. These fucking things even smell like their fruity counter part. Notin’ says OG Playa like rocking a pair of grape drink Reeboks sporting a purple Kool-Aid mustache.

Unless you’ve been living in a hole for the past few weeks, you undoubtedly know that this Sunday marks the biggest game in professional sports; Super Bowl XLII (or 42 for those who failed the Roman numerals section of 6th grade math).

Sunday also marks the holy grail of television advertising. 30 second spots for Super Bowl XLII are going for a burley $2.7 million, or 29.4 million Pesos for those living south of the boarder. That price tag will by you a lot of tacos, but will it seal your brand into the psyche of the estimated 100 million + viewers?

This topic seems to be more hotly debated then the outcome of the game. The New York Giants are a 12 point underdog to the unbeaten New England Patriots. And who fuck are we kidding. This game is going to be a one sided ass kicking. I had half the Giants on my fantasy football team this year, and mark my words, Eli will have 2 INTs and Brandon Jacobs will pull a hamstring before the start of the second quarter. At this point in the game, I will also more then likely, be legally intoxicated shouting at the TV. But enough with my sports rant and drinking problem. After all, the Super Bowl is only a 60 minute sporting contest and my liver has been trained to take any and all abuse I dish out. This is advertising were talking about here.

Sure, the big boys like Pepsi, Budweiser and Fex Ex are going to be makin it rain like Pacman Jones in a Vegas strip club, but is that spending going to make you go out and buy their products? Or even differentiate on who’s ad is who’s. Remember the K-Fed ad last year? Or Terry Tate the Office Linebacker? Now do you remember which brands they were making a plug for?

Sure, this Sunday we will be subjected to washed up celebrities selling us insurance, horses selling us beer and whatever “creative” ploy that gets us to buy more nacho chips on TV’s grandest sports stage, but after all isn’t the Super Bowl just the advertising worlds most expensive contest pissing contest?

painting by Dick Detzner

First the hanging chad controversy, now this. WTF Florida. Play the game, will you. Due to the a few bitchy parents in the school district, McDonald’s had decided (or pressured) to pull its promotion in Seminole County, FL where students with good grades were rewarded with a free Happy Meal.

Said promotion involved McDonald paying for report card envelopes that included Ronald holding the McDonald’s logo with an offer for students who received good grades to bring their report. As previously stated, this promo has been scrapped. Spokesman for the company, Bill Whitman, said the McDonald’s ended the promotion because it “believes the focus should be on the importance of a good education.”

Here’s where I call bullshit. Obviously, this No Child Left Behind thing hasn’t been working out so well. More schools are under-funded then ever before. Hell, if JOB wanted to foot the bill for report cards to be printed on giant rolling papers, I’d be all for that. The schools could take the money they save and buy a few books that didn’t pre-date the Carter administration. Parent’s would like it too. They could celebrate Suzy’s honor roll by rolling a huge spliff. It sure beats those crappy bumper stickers.

That being said, I agree the focus should be on good education, but learning doesn’t stop outside of school walls. Parent’s need to quit bitching and educate their kids to make good choices in life. Aren’t we the same generation that grew up with the Pizza Hut’s Book It Program, bottle rocket fights and riding bikes without helmets? We grew up fine. America needs to stop raising a generation of cry-babies and pussies. If not, the Chinese will be taking over Sweet Lady America in no time.

Maybe McDonald’s could recycle their envelopes and use them when they send out their yearly agency report cards. What Creative Director wouldn’t like a Happy Meal. A Communist one that’s who.

If any beer companies feel like sponsoring my office’s paycheck envelopes, let me know. I would love a complementary six-pack every 1st and 15th.

Hopefully we all got through the holidays in one piece this year. With the cold lull of January upon us, now is the time to be thinking about that all important Hallmark holiday, Valentines Day. Like most things, waiting till the last minute would be my shopping method of choice, but Etsy is here to save the day.

Does your DYI, hipster lady friend of choice have all the vintage vinyl and ironic t-shirts she could ever need? How about a Princes Leia knit hat wig combo? Or the mounted head of her favorite mogwi? Either way, Etsy’s got you covered like a jimmy hat. Pickin’ up a little something nice should seal the deal for a night of hot passionate geek lovin’.